Monica goes on a field trip
The rustic and uncouth President of City Council went to Lansing today to…wait for it…lobby for a Cobo expansion deal. Hey, what a great idea because Cobo should expand to keep the NAIAS and if a regional authority could operate the facility, it would be really great for Detroit. Oh wait… Also Mitch McConnell is right now on his way to the UN to work on this trade deal because Barack Obama totally disrespected him. (Freep)

Felon Kwame Kilpatrick just another cautionary tale
When he was a young man, Kwame Kilpatrick did wrong. But he served some time and now he’s just trying to turn his life around. He found a good job out-of state, well it’s as good a job as an ex-con could hope to find. But he’s still on probation and they might not let him go to Texas. If that happens, Kilpatrick is liable to return to a life of crime and politics because it’s the only life he knows. Kwame Kilpatrick is exactly like the angry young man in that Elvis Presley song In The Ghetto. And his momma cries… (DetNews)

Charlie LeDuff’s brother sees dead people
Turns out Charlie LeDuff’s brother was the secret caller who one time told Charlie LeDuff about the dead guy in that building. LeDuff said it was some random person or something and he went to check it out before calling the police because sometimes these things are hoaxes and what not. Well that makes sense, LeDuff’s brother is well-known prankster! That’s kind of the crux of Curt Guyette’s inside baseball piece on the journalism of Charlie LeDuff. Also, LeDuff says fuck almost as much as detroitist when detroitist has temporary Tourettes. (Metro Times)

Stand-by for a major detroitist related announcement
The blog may be kind of quiet for the next couple days but it isn’t because we are abandoning you people. See right now we’re kind of like Reggie Dunlop after he found out who owns the Chief. We’ve got a major deal in the works that will totally blow your minds. Now, we’re not saying that we’ll be sitting pretty in Florida after the mill closes and this town is a memory but trust us when we tell you something major is about to happen so stay tuned. (detroitist)

Naturally a plan this logical had to be destroyed and that’s what Monica Conyers did with help from her pig-fucking colleagues Barbara-Rose Collins, Joann Watson, Martha Reeves, and Alberta Tinsley-Talabi. Collectively, those five women equal two tons of fun.

This decision is so absurd, so reeking of petulance that it almost defies the limits of snark because even the snarkiest response to this decision reads like sober political analysis. Even a repugnant Victorian nelly like David Denby would be unable to soberly opine on City Council’s decision without resorting to the language of snark. The only way we can comment on this story, in the entertaining manner that our readers are accustomed, is to develop a temporary Eric Cartman-esque case of Tourettes Syndrome. Let’s try it. We will start with some ordinary Mencken-inspired commentary and just let the Tourettes spice it up…

Monica Conyers is just a vile rustic half-wit who WHORE! DRUNKEN WHORE! would be more comfortable on a backwoods dung pile than in a major cosmopolitan city. The only difference between Monica Conyers CUNT! and Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel is the SPF level of their respective sunscreens. One-time-my-cousin-and-I-touched-wieners! John Conyers TOUCHED WIENERS! deserves ass cancer for unleashing Monica on the good and decent people of Detroit. WIENERS! TOUCHED WIENERS! Nope, not going to work.

This horrible town. (Freep)

Last week we brought you the exciting news that batshit Sharon McPhail was lying about her age on her Youtube profile. She said she’s 48 even though she’s 60. The next day the Detroit News reported the same thing. Not that there is any coincidence in that timeline. Great minds think alike.

The key difference between the two reports was analysis. detroitist said that batshit Sharon lied about her age because she’s crazy but the News opined that is was probably a typo. Looks like they fixed the typo! According to Youtube, McPhail is now 49. She fixed one incorrect age with another. Weird.

There are logical reasons for her bizarre actions. Perhaps batshit Sharon is so crazy that she really believes she is in her late 40’s and today is her birthday. Or perhaps someone on the campaign accidentally changed her incorrect age to another, different incorrect age. Or perhaps, given her steady 4% in the polls, batshit Sharon decided this has been the best coverage her campaign has received so she’s trying to milk it for even more ink on Election Day. (Youtube)

Never pick a fight with someone who buys ink by the barrel
Mean old Tom Friedman said mean things about Michigan and Jennifer Granholm doesn’t like it one bit. She’s not going to let these mean people talk bad about us anymore. Even if the mean people in question have been warning us about the consequences of the post-industrial global economy for the better part of a generation. It’s not like we we’re sitting around drinking lattes and reading the New York Times back when we could afford bass fishing boats. (Freep)

It’s felon Kwame Kilpatrick court day
The convicted perjurer/former mayor will be in court today to explain why he told the court that he had to go to Texas for a job interview when all the people he was interviewing with work in…wait for it…Detroit. Also how he’s able to fly around in private jets, rent expensive houses in fancy neighborhoods, and pay for his wife’s interior design courses when he owes Detroit taxpayers $1,000,000. The judge probably won’t ask about that last thing but he should. Just look at the Kilpatrick’s Manoogian Mansion, Carlita has garish taste. A couple design classes won’t change that. (DetNews)

Don Williamson is a Blagojevich-grade douchebag
Before he resigned because of a runny nose, Williamson took a $1 a year salary while serving as Flint’s mayor. Now he wants all his back pay, something like $500,000. From a city he basically left bankrupt. But before you assholes starting judging Donny boy, understand that he just wants all that money so he could give it to charities. Maybe you losers should stop spending your salaries on homes and food and Xboxes. Give it to charity instead. God, you people are so selfish compared to Don Williamson. (MLive)

Maybe what lawmakers need is a union
For a party supposedly dedicated to the working man, the Michigan Democratic Party is busting balls like some plutocrat boss. These Democrats (so-called) expect state lawmakers to show up to work everyday or have their paychecks docked. This wouldn’t happen if there was a union. There would be a grievance process and collective bargaining to protect these poor elected officials. Sometimes politicians get way too drunk to wake up the next day. They shouldn’t be penalized by some greedy political party for that. (DetNews)

Michigan’s poors don’t care about art
All of us unemployed illiterates are too busy huddled in our homes, avoiding collection calls, and watching Billy Mays infomercials to go see “art” at the DIA. The venerable art museum had to lay-off 20% of their staff yesterday. Oh sure some of them pictures are real pretty but so is this dogs playing poker painting that we have in the family room. Isn’t that just the cutest thing ever? Also, did you see our portrait of Elvis? It’s a remarkable likeness. (Freep)

What is this “light rail” that you speak of?
In cosmopolitan elitist cities like Salt Lake City and Minneapolis, “light rail” is hot new thing. All the best people are very excited about it. Of course that’s fine for them fancy places like Utah but metro Detroit moves at a slower, more pastoral pace. We, and by “we” we mean Oakland County bureaucrats, aren’t sure this fancy “light rail” fits with our way of life. Why, you put in a light rail line and soon even good Christian girls will be riding on train cars with boys and exposing their ankles in public. Next thing you know we will be up to our ears in jazz music and dancing. (Oakland Press)

Fixing the foreclosure mess is really, really hard
Everyone in Lansing is trying really hard to fix this foreclosure problem but it’s hard. The Republicans have some dumb ideas and the Democrats have some stupid ideas. Our suggestion is that you give the keys to the bank, hollow out the refrigerator, and float over to Canada, to freedom! In Canada everyone only buys homes they can afford and the banks don’t fail. Also there’s single-payer hockey so the government pays for your skate sharpening. 1800 feet to freedom. Viva Mariel North! (MLive)

Requiem for our crapulence
If you’ve listened to 93.9 anytime in the last few months you’ve probably heard Sam Roberts’ song Detroit ’67. It’s all about what a cool place Detroit once was. The best kind of cancon is the kind that Americans will listen to. The song’s accompanying video reminds Detroiters about what a nice city we had until we pissed away for the shiny new utopia of Northland Mall. Enjoy your Southfield, your Commerce Township, and your Sterling Heights, cockpunchers. (Freep)

We are really tired of you people not acknowleging our FREAKING GENIUS!
Thursday night. detroitist reports that batshit Sharon McPhail was lying about her age on the Youtube. Friday morning. The Detroit News City Hall Insider blog reports the same thing yet the report makes no mention of this humble blog. Coincidence? Or is it something else? And how do you explain this: Stonehenge. A man shapes a wire antenna into an ancient Egyptian symbol. He points it at the stones and a surge of power rushes into his arm. City Hall Insider shrugs off McPhail’s age lie as a “typo” which is why, as of 7:40 AM EST Monday morning, the profile still says McPhail is 48. And, according to Youtube, someone modified the account not three hours ago. Stephen Glass had some typos too. (DetNews)

Cockrel is all you can just shut up right now because you were deputy mayor for eight years and didn’t do anything with Cobo, I got it done in five months. And I told the truth about the motherfucking budget. Hendrix responds that he did a lot of things as deputy mayor and, as tears well up in his eyes, accuses Bing of spending his nights, not at the loft, but in Franklin. Bing is like Christ, Helmut stop crying and grow a pair. To which Hendrix responds with at least Cazzie Russell won a ring.

Disgusted, Cockrel gets up and leaves the room. It’s a move both Bing and Hendrix find disrespectful. There’s nothing worse than being disrespectful on a reality show. If you are disrespectful everyone will complain about you during their talking head interviews. Also everyone is blaming each other for the sink full of unwashed dishes.

And that’s pretty much how the mayoral race went except maybe without the nudity and dirty dishes. The process, ham fisted as it may seem, it sort of worked. The irrelevant, the third-rate, and finally the uninspired candidates have fallen by the wayside. Bing, Cockrel, and Hendrix remain as the only viable candidates. It’s kind of where we were when this race began a few months back. Except that Ken Cockrel is the only one who emerges not looking like a huge douchebag.

For all his reform rhetoric, Dave Bing has surrounding himself with the dreck of Detroit politics. Convicted felon Charlie Beckham is running the campaign. Team Kilpatrick cronies Wendell Anthony and Tony Earley are cheering him on. Bing’s campaign is little more than the last lines of a Who song at this point. Freman Hendrix, so close in 2005, has betrayed peculiar desperation with his opposition to the Cobo deal. Siding with Monica Conyers is just dumb, the end.

No one will confuse good gray Ken Cockrel with a savior sent from on high, but that’s fine. For a half-century we’ve believed our mayors could be Nietzschean supermen capable of curing Detroit’s many ailments. This town has way too many problems for one mayor to fix them all. Sic transit gloria mundi.

Cockrel has a quiet competence, perspective, and a sense of self-awareness. Cockrel also has good taste in music. Unlike Kilpatrick, he will never sing Trapped in the Closet to anyone in the back of a limo, ever. That’s good enough for us. (Cockrel for Detroit)

Oh hey the 2010 governors race is starting!
It’s state political convention weekend! Seems like they have conventions every six months. Don’t these people have any other hobbies, Star Trek or something? Here’s how it went down: John Cherry waddled through the convention hall without competition. We know Don Williamson is at home with the sniffles or whatever but where was Geroge Perles? Interviewing to be Governor of the New York Jets? The poor stage that will have to hold those three men. Terri Lynn Land and Mike Cox were like blah blah blah at the GOP party. The next 20 1/2 months won’t suck at all. (Freep)

Mike Cox bravely defends clean coal
Clean coal is the awesomest thing ever. They take regular coal and make it clean. Probably by taking it to the car wash. There’s nothing that can’t be cleaned with a soft cloth brush and a little carnuba wax. Mean old Jennifer Granholm hates clean coal so she decided to block new coal-fired power plants even if they promise to only use old-fashioned dirty coal. Thank God Team Kilpatrick’s favorite Republican Mike Cox is standing up to this horrible tyranny. It will make him the most popular candidate for Michigan governor in West Virginia. (MLive)

Governor Granholm: the economy is screwed, let’s drink more
The Governor wants to let bars stay open to four provided they pay a modest surcharge on their liquor license for the privilege. This will help the budget while offering businesses an opportunity to increase revenue. Sunday sales before noon would be ok too. Excuse me Governor but Sunday morning between 2:00 AM and 12:00 PM is Jesus’ time. Fortunately, Senator Alan Sanborn is going to defend the Lord’s day from Jennifer Granholm’s demonic fire water. (DetNews)

Lansing Water and Light is the worst place to work ever
Lansing’s public utility hired this black guy and everyone thought it would be real fun to prank him. Workplace gags are a great way to build morale. So this black guy’s white co-workers did all kinds of neat things like surprise him in dark sewer tunnels while wearing…wait for it…pretend Klan hoods! Ha ha ha! Either white public utility workers in Lansing are horrible racists or giant douchebags. You make the call. (Freep)

Prostitution scam was a rainbow of diversity
There are few places where you will find a middle-aged white guy from Clinton Township and a 17-year-old black Detroiter working in perfect harmony for a strong, single woman. A recently busted prostitution, extortion, and murder racket on the eastside was one of those places. That great American ideal of a melting pot society still lives in the hearts of some of our fellow citizens. Excuse us if we tear up a little during this story. Strong men also cry. (Freep)

As the candidates settle in, cliques begin to form. Tensions are high between the roommates. Some of the roommates object to Warren Evans keeping a gun in the loft. He says that he has to keep a gun because he’s the sheriff. McPhail, again noting her legal background, confirms that is true.

Everyone hates Joel Loving he’s naked all the time. He’s like what? I’m just as God made me. Plus he won’t shut up about the World Wide Dream Builders or his time as a Subway manager. Soon McPhail begins to suspect everyone is trying to steal her crime plan. Both are kicked out of the loft after the fourth episode. McPhail for her paranoia and Loving because he’s an annoying douche.

With just five contestants vying for the final two spots at Fashion Week on the May ballot, everyone is trying to separate themselves from the pack. Hood keeps talking about our unalienable right to chain restaurants. Eventually Bing tells him to shut up, he lived near the Southfield Red Lobster and it wasn’t that great. Cockrel says his kids like Red Lobster.

Evans points out that if Sharon McPhail was still in the house she would have said that, in her legal opinion, Cockrel is fat. Every laughs at that because McPhail doesn’t shut up about being a lawyer. Also she’s a kind of a dick. Then Freman Hendrix starts crying. Even though he didn’t get along with McPhail, he misses here. He is the show’s token crier, after all.

By episode ten, the producers have determined that Hood and Evans aren’t testing well. No one is sure what Warren Evans was doing on the show in the first place and Hood’s bill of rights plan just isn’t connecting with voters. They are asked to leave. The good-byes are emotional but the three remaining contestants are excited to finalists. Also because they each get their own room. (Publius)

In part three, the final candidates battle it out for a spot on the general election ballot. Only two will make it. Also we will reveal our mayoral endorsement.

Detroit’s electoral process more accurately resembles a bad reality tv show than an orderly system for selecting a government. Thanks to embarrassingly low standards for ballot qualification, anyone can run for mayor just as anyone can try-out for American Idol. The winners of reality shows and Detroit elections are, more often than not, tedious dullards with serious narcissism issues. And in both television and a Detroit election, a 20-share is considered a good turn-out.

In some ways the reality tv process of slowly weeding contestants out over the course of a few weeks may be more effective than Detroit’s cattle-call style primary. Functioning electoral processes do not waste time with Jerroll Sanders’ precious right to run for office because of misguided notions that democracy must afford ballot access to the commonest of common men. Mob democracy didn’t work in Jacobin France and it doesn’t work here. Reasonably stringent rules for ballot access should be included in any future Charter revision.

Short of that common-sense reform, perhaps future mayoral primaries should include a reality show portion. The city could rent some downtown loft space and make the candidates live there for three months and debate the issues. The show would be broadcast on Channel 10. Using the current field as a model, this is how we see it going down.

Candidates wait in line at the Department of Elections with their petition signatures and filing fees to qualify for ballot access. Each candidate will then audition before an all-star panel that includes City Clerk Janice Winfrey as Randy Jackson, Tim Skubick as Paula Abdul, and a big-name political consultant (maybe Donna Brazile) as Simon Cowell.

During this comical episode, fringe candidates (Stanley Christmas, Etta Wilcoxon, Duane Montgomery, etc) will learn they have absolutely no political talent and denied a spot on the ballot. These candidates will stomp their feet, cry giant sobbing tears, scream that it’s unfair but it won’t change things. They will never be elected officials and they have to go back to their dreary regular lives.

Once the auditions are complete, seven strangers will be picked to live in a loft and have their lives taped so voters will find out what happens when politicians stop being polite (STOP BEING POLITE!) and start running for mayor. The Real Campaign: Detroit. (City Clerk)

Tomorrow, part two will thin the field from seven to five to three.

It’s still going to be Cockrel and Bing
There’s a sweet irony to Freman Hendrix selling his soul to the vile knuckle-draggers who used to imply he was a Nazi because his first name is Helmut. It probably won’t make a difference on Tuesday. He’s eight points behind Bing in Grebner’s tracking poll and six points behind Bing/Cockrel in an EPIC-MRA poll. Also, Detroit voters could care less about Warren Evans. (DetNews, Michigan Liberal)

Also 85-89% of you don’t care
Only 15% of Detroit voters are expected at the polls on Tuesday. Not to sound pro-apathy, voting is important and all but, how much will this election matter once the city goes into receivership? Still and all, go vote you cock-punchers. Otherwise Stanley Christmas might somehow win. Or Freman “Monica” Hendrix. What if the next governor is as useless as the current and doesn’t appoint a receiver? We can’t take that chance. (Freep)

Stimulus money solves all our budget problems for one year
Hey everybody the school children won’t get their funding cut next year because of the stimulus package! Isn’t that awesome? Of course, the year after that Michigan will be totally fucked again but for right now happy days are here again. Memo to Lansing: ONE-TIME STIMULUS MONEY DOESN’T FIX A STRUCTURAL DEFICIT! Raise taxes or cut spending. Perhaps, as a third option, the executive and legislative branch could drink a Jim Jones Kool-Aid cocktail. That may be the best solution, long-term. (MLive)

Donald Trump offers business advice to General Motors or this is why we can’t have nice things #7
Donald Trump says GM should go bankrupt and he knows what he’s talking about here because he’s a business genius. Trump’s own company went bankrupt this year and in the early 1990′s he lost all his money then too. Trump also convinced his fellow USFL owners to abandon their successful spring football business model to take on the NFL with fall games and an anti-trust lawsuit. They won the suit, and three dollars in damages, before folding. Good going, Trump. He’s also been divorced two or three times so he probably has some relationship advice to offer. (NYTimes)

Detroit is to Rosie O’Donnell what third-world orphans are to Angelina Jolie
Oh what fresh hell is this? Rosie O’Donnell made a movie in Detroit. For Lifetime. About how miserable things are in Detroit. Meredith Baxter Birney probably plays some pitiful abused wife who escapes to Detroit, finds work and happiness in an auto plant, only to get laid-off because her wife-beating drunk of an ex-husband and every other evil person in America bought Hondas. These Lifetime movies usually aren’t much for complex plots. Why do wife-beaters hate Detroit? Rosie O’Donnell has the answer. On Lifetime. (Freep)