state of the state 10.26.2008

Republican sacrificial lambs take on Macomb County incumbents
The county wide officials in Macomb County are all Democrats and their jobs are pretty secure. So secure that the Republicans have fielded a slate of dreck to run against them. Mike Wrathell, a non-practicing lawyer and “artist”, is running for prosecutor against Erik Smith. Some natters paper-pusher named Kristi Dean is running for sheriff again Mark “son of convicted rapist Bill” Hackel because her “skill set” includes organization and leadership. She also knows about budget things. Hey that’s super! (Freep)

Kleptocracy in Michigan
In 2003, Detroit Law Department head Ruth Carter lobbied judges to name Virgil Smith as county prosecutor after Mike Duggan resigned. We know this because she texted felon Kwame Kilpatrick about it. Duggan and Mike Cox also participated in Carter and Kilpatrick’s bipartisan scheme to influence what was designed to be a non-political process on behalf of a thrice-defeated candidate for county prosecutor. Maybe if Ruth Carter did a better job Kilpatrick would still be Mayor. Bitch. (Freep)

You can’t make up corruption like this
If we went to Hollywood with a movie script about a high school principal who conjured fake classes with fake teachers to skim money and then encouraged his female subordinates to wear tight skirts in order to distract investigators, we would be laughed out of pitch meetings. Nothing like that would ever happen in real life. Except that it did. In Godwin Heights. (MLive)

Nolan Finley: global warming is our only hope
Once the world heats up and floods Florida, everyone will move to Michigan’s balmy shoreline. We will grow oranges in Ishpeming and Walt Disney will save Flint by reopening Autoworld. That is how fucked our state is according to Nolan Finley. We didn’t even know that Finley believed in global warming. Takes all kinds… (DetNews)

The New York Times hates O Street
That kind of sound judgment explains why the New York Times remains the nation’s newspaper of record. Apparently there was a typo in a Dick Cavett blog post on the Times website. O Street wrote a comment pointing out the typo and, presumably, expressing surprise that Dick Cavett was still alive. The Times fixed the typo but didn’t publish the comment. That’s a shame because the free and open comment policy on the Freep website is a sparkling example of enlightened discourse. (Freep)

state of the state 10.25.2008

Mike Cox is a cock
Who could forget Mike Cox and his sweaty, stuttering announcement that Kwame Kilpatrick’s stripper party was just an urban legend? He was like a real life Officer Barbrady or a third-rate political hack protecting a fellow McNamara crony. Elected officials killing strippers and covering it up by destroying police officers is a small crime. But when it comes to big crimes Cox is Dirty Harry Callahan. Take absentee voting. He’ll fight that like a streetwise cop who plays by his own rules. (Freep)

Team Kilpatrick like cockroaches, never going away
You people thought is was over when felon Kwame Kilpatrick resigned. FOOLS! You can’t get rid of Team Kilpatrick. They’re everywhere…and now they have civil service status! To get rid of these parasites now you’ll have to catch them sexing up dead children, during work hours, on their desk when they should be helping customers. And lunch time doesn’t count. (Freep)

Tedious Michigan-Michigan State rivalry this weekend
Across the state, Michigan State alumni are getting hassled by Schoolcraft Community College drop-outs because the University of Michigan has a historically superior football team. These people are called Wal-Mart Wolverines and they are a pox upon our state. Thankfully this nonsense only lasts a few days. By tomorrow morning everyone will be united again as disgruntled Lions fans. (Freep)

Ken Cockrel pays his damn fine
Sweet Jesus this was a dump truck full of stupid Ken. Seriously we expect this kind of bullshit from the LaMar Lemmons tribe but we thought better of you. This incident proves what doctors have been saying for years. City Council makes you retarded. Order of the day! (MLive)

Noted sunt Isiah Thomas may or may not have od’ed on sleeping pills
When Terrell Owens attempted suicide a couple years back he denied it by saying something retarded like “I have 54 million reasons not to kill myself”. Ownes was referring to the value of his contract. We can think of 108 reasons why Isiah Thomas might want to off himself with a triple dose of Ambien, Also the Eddie Curry trade. How could you live with yourself after making the Eddie Curry trade? Oh Isiah! (WDIV)

state of the state 10.24.2008

Team Kilpatrick lived large

Like Lindsay Lohan and that skinny girl with the short hair, felon Kwame Kilpatrick and Christine Beatty jet-setted around the world expressing their love for each other in unique ways. By unique ways we mean text messages about digital penetration of the anus. These trysts plus important business trips to Paris and South Africa cost the city $286,000. The end. Well it would be the end except felon Kilpatrick charged a $125 lunch at the Detroit Club to the city…yesterday. You have to pay for your own Cobb Salad now, Kwame. (DetNews, WDIV)

Adolph Mongo totally hates Ken Cockrel

The political consultant with the unfortunate (if fitting) first name wants Cockrel off the Mayoral ballot because of his campaign finance fines. Well that’s the official reason. The real reason is that Adolph is completely gay for felon Kwame Kilpatrick. Cockrel and die Juden White Racist Lynch Mob® ruined Kilpatrick’s political career. (Freep)

Mike Bishop’s hair gel is making him go batshit

The County Clerks decided to help college students vote via absentee ballot. Noted socialist Terri Lynn Land and her Elections Mullah endorsed the program. Mike Bishop rightly recognized this voter participation program as a threat to freedom, democracy, and the real America. Bishop wants Mike Cox to say the Clerks are breaking the law. On a completely unrelated note, college students are trending Democratic and therefore may thwart Joe Knollenberg and Tim Walberg’s re-elections. This might be less of an issue if the GOP hadn’t thrown Nick and Brad Smith under the bus in 2004. Just saying… (MLive)

We see London, we see France

We see your underpants on a 696 overpass. Awesome. (DetNews)

Reinforcing Negative Stereotypes

Maternal trainwreck Melissa Manasa of Farmington stole $7000 from her kids Boy Scout troop. One might ask how Melissa Manasa sleeps at night but, based on the mugshot, the meth probably keeps Manasa from sleeping most nights. (DetNews)

Ron Popeil to takes Lions airtime

Matt Millen is gone but the abortion of a football he created remains. Ford Field is about to experience it’s first non-sellout for an NFL game. About time people. Just die William Clay Ford. Just freaking die. (Freep)

nixon and haldeman never talked like this

Sometimes news is so absurd, so comical that it’s best to just report it straight. This is one of those times:

CB: Baby, if I was with you right now, I would sit you down, get on my knees in front of you. I would pull myself up to you and gently suck your ear lobe and come around to kiss you so passionately, then…

KK: PLEASE TELL ME MORE.

CB: The I would take off your shirt and kiss you down your neck and suck on your [REDACTED]. After that I would take off your pants and lay you down on the bed. Then…

KK: My shit is so hard.

CB: Then I would climb on top of you and start kissing you on the top of your head, move down to your face, then gently move to your stomach and gently lick around your belly button! Then…

KK: DAMN…I LOVE THIS!

CB: Then I would move my way down [REDACTED] and gently slide it into my mouth and move it in and out until you feel like you’re inside of me and you’re asking to be in me! Then…

KK: SHIIT!

CB: Then, just when you’re about come, I would take it out of mouth and climb back on top of you and slide it deep inside of me! I would then begin to slowly ride back and forth on top of you. Then…

KK: DAMN CHRIS!

CB: Then, I would pull your chest to mine while you’re deep inside of me and kiss you so passionately while riding you! I would then ask you to gently grab my ass and your put your finger in just enough to make beg yo

KK: Don’t STOP! PLEASE.

CB: Then we are so close to each other that sweat from our bodies makes us stick together and you moving in and out of me so slow and so strong and you are hitting my spot so right and I’m sucking your ear and begging you n

KK: COME ON! I’M ABOUT TO COME.

And it goes on from there on page 45… (Freep)

state of the state 10.23.2008

It’s Beatty/Kilpatrick text message day!
Take the afternoon off because this could be really good. These messages better include more than a list of shitty R&B songs sung by Christian family man and convicted felon Kwame Kilpatrick after sexing up his mistress/employee. Hopefully we’re going to get something along the lines of: “OMG! Ella just said this sunt Gary Brown wants to know why we killed a stripper!” (DetNews)

For Kym Worthy Team Kilpatrick is the gift that keeps on giving
Felon Kilpatrick is going to jail on Tuesday which is awesome. But wait there’s more! You may remember that Team Kilpatrick’s city-issued credit card records disappeared until Anthony Adams stopped being in charge of those records. Cockrel CFO Joe Harris found them in an appropriately labeled file folder. Now Kym Worthy wants to know why they spent our money like drunken sailors. Awesome.(Freep)

Annoying fat woman makes empty gesture for Detroit
Rose O’Donnell was never funny, charming, or talented in any way. Last week she came to Detroit to watch an equally unfunny, uncharming, and untalented comedian preform. Now O’Donnell wants to save Detroit because she was so moved by our squalor and hopelessness. Can’t wait to hear her plan to uplift our wretched existence. (Freep)

John McCain is the Rich Rodriguez of politics
The Big Ten is kicking McCain’s ass. He’ll probably lose Toledo as well. Who breaks down political polls by college football conference? They might as well tell us who is winning the American League. What kind over moron comes up with that analysis? So Obama has the Big Ten, Big East, and Pac10 in the tank while McCain is winning the Big 12, SEC,and Mountain West? As the ACC goes so goes the nation. (DetNews)

Gay judge totally ruining Saugatuck and surrounding areas
Saugatuck is a traditional small town filled with good Christian manly men in the real America. At least it was until Judge William Baillargeon and his radical homosexual agenda showed up. Thankfully the American Family Association is taking dead aim at Bailargeon’s anti-American ways. All Bailaregeon has going for him is the support of the local Republican sheriff and local law enforcement. (MLive)

state of the state 10.22.2008

Mayor maybe ineligible to run for Mayor
Ken Cockrel is an illegal alien terrorist communist and therefor unable to run for Mayor. Or he hasn’t paid some campaign fines and that might contradict the affidavit he signed when he filed to run. But it isn’t all just boring clerical stuff. Cockrel late reported some campaign contributions from Cobo crook Karl Kado and local legitimate businessman Tony Soave. (DetNews)

Tamara Greene case to be Team Kilpatrick reunion
They’re putting the band back together. Pretty much everyone who served on Team Kilpatrick is on the witness list. It will be fun to catch up. Anthony Adams is going to bake a cake. Other big names on the list include Bobby Ferguson, “Michael Stephani”(sic), and the plaintiff’s father Ernest Flagg. In addition to fathering a child with Tamara Greene, Flagg ran for City Council in 2005. (Freep)

Macomb County is really, really, really broke
The County Commission had to make some massive budget cuts this week. They pretty much don’t have a public health department anymore. Also they will kill more stray dogs and cats because that’s more humane than raising taxes or cutting public employee benefits. Word is that if things get worse, Macomb County will have to sell some surplus Switalskis and Vivianos to solvent counties elsewhere. (Freep)

Pedophile sting like shooting fish in a barrel
It’s just too bad we can’t put these cockbags in a barrel and shoot them. The police caught 21 of them in a Grand Rapid sting. Based on the mugshots (see link) these are 21 of the most wretched wastes of carbon ever birthed. Don’t these pederasts watch Chris Hanson? Twelve-year-olds aren’t ooking for sex with gross, socially retarded adults on the internets. There are only sheriff’s deputies. Enjoy the jailhouse shower, perverts. (MLive)

Part of Zilwaukee Bridge re-opened for time being
The Zilwaukee Bridge was the brilliant creation of road contractors to ensure they will always have work. It took forever to build and it’s always in dire need or repair but we can’t complain. It’s better to deal with the Zilwaukee Bridge construction than to actually drive through Saginaw. (Freep)

omg judge to release text messages…on thursday

Judge Timothy Kenny is going to release some the hot, hot text messages between defendant Christine Beatty and felon Kwame Kilpatrick from back when Kilpatrick was Mayor and Beatty was his bestest girl. What fun it will be for Beatty to relive those good times. Their private trips to Madison Heights. Firing Gary Brown. The R. Kelly songs. Kilpatrick’s promise to leave his wife, marry Beatty, and raise her children as his own because he’s just that kind of good Christian family man. Good times.

Unfortunately Beatty and the rest of us will have to wait until Thursday to take that walk down memory lane. Judge Kenny is going to give Beatty’s attornies until then to file a futile appeal. They do realize they’ll never be able to collect their fees from Beatty right? (Freep)

state of the state 10.20.2008

Team Kilpatrick was a whore for campaign contributions

Manny Maroun is a cross between Howard Hughes and Montgomery Burns. He’s cartoonishly evil and no one ever sees him…except for felon Kwame Kilpatrick. Maroun and the former Mayor-turned-ward of the state met 11 times in 2006 and 2007. Maroun gave Team Kilpatrick more $50,000 in campaign cash. Kilpatrick also chatted with such luminaries as sludgeSCAM’s Rayford Jackson, Cobo crook Karl Kado, and a bunch of other pigfuckers who donated money to Team Kilpatrick and received no-bid contracts. Best we got, eh Karmanos? (DetNews)

More text messages could be released today
Beatty: OMG That Strawberry stripper was shot!
Kilpatrick: LOL! I heard an hour ago
Beatty: WTF? Police report said it happened 30 minutes ago
Kilpatrick: 😉
Beatty: LOL! Sing me another R Kelly song tonight. (Freep)

Harper Woods recall campaign to shock the region
Jason Frattini used to be a Harper Woods fireman but then Harper Woods decided to train firemen to be policemen and vice versa, as is done in many smaller suburban communities. Well Jason Frattini wasn’t going to take that injustice lying down. So, after getting a job with the Eastpointe Fire Department, Frattini launched a recall campaign against the Harper Woods politicians history’s greatest monsters who hatched this wicked scheme. (Freep)

Self-righteous fitness buffs shit their pants in public
The Detroit Free Press Marathon was this weekend which means you probably suffered through a co-worker or two nattering on about their training regime or their carbo-loading plan last week. They probably made you feel guilty that time you at McDonalds at your desk that one time. They eat nothing but carrots and oats in preparation for their marathon. Well consider this weekend your revenge. Those marathon runners were carrying an extra load by the end of the 26.2 mile route whereas you probably didn’t shit yourself on Saturday. (Freep)

Jim Brandstatter still angry at officials
About the only enjoyable aspect of this Lions season is listening to the games on the radio. Jim Brandstatter’s self-righteous rants about the officiating would have you believe that these Detroit Lions (0-6) are but a few bad calls away from the Super Bowl. Eventually Dan Miller is going to punch him. You can totally feel the tension in the booth every time Brandstatter starts yammering. (DetNews)

state of the state 10.17.2008

Credit card records found, Joe Harris to begin looking for dead strippers, missing party
Team Kilpatrick said their credit card records were missing. Turns out are were lying liars telling lies. Joe Harris found the records. Exactly where they were supposed to be. Who would have thought a quasi-criminal enterprise run by a convicted perjurer would deceive us like that? Harris thinks Anthony Adams or Team Kilpatrick CFO Norm White hid the records to cover their miserably corrupt asses. Harris should check the closets at the Coleman Young Building for stripper corpses and other evidence of the long-rumored party. (DetNews)

state of the state 10.17.2008

Credit card records found, Joe Harris to begin looking for dead strippers, missing party
Team Kilpatrick said their credit card records were missing. Turns out are were lying liars telling lies. Joe Harris found the records. Exactly where they were supposed to be. Who would have thought a quasi-criminal enterprise run by a convicted perjurer would deceive us like that? Harris thinks Anthony Adams or Team Kilpatrick CFO Norm White hid the records to cover their miserably corrupt asses. Harris should check the closets at the Coleman Young Building for stripper corpses and other evidence of the long-rumored party. (DetNews)

SHOCKER: Parents who dumped kid in Nebraska are useless fucks
These waste-of-carbon fucktards wanted to adopt the younger, prettier brother but they had to take the 13-year-old as well. Dad feels…wait for it…”railroaded” into adopting this adolescent child. Given these facts, the parents abused and/or neglected the boy which is always the responsible course of action in these situations. Can we just beat these fuckers’ heads in with a tire iron and call it a day? (Freep)

How can an occupied rental property face foreclosure?
The Genesee County Sheriff won’t evict people from their rented homes because of foreclosure. Why is this even an issue? If you pay rent, it should be reasonable to expect at least some of that money will go toward the mortgage payment. This is a lesson. Don’t rent from some idiot who just quit his day job with Amway because he finished a Carlton Sheets course. (DetNews)

Always pull your permits. Always.
Even if your business is owned by some bullshit figure-head monarch, you still need the right permits. Apparently no one noticed that the fancy bio gas plant planned for Flint will actually go in Flint Township. Add map reading to the list of things Don Williamson is unable to do because he lacks the cognitive capacity. The wizards up in Lansing, same problem. (MLive)

Sometimes Rich Rodriguez cries like a little girl
Rodriguez says he’s got to quit feeling sorry for himself because Michigan looks like it might have it’s first losing season since the Johnson Administration. We’re not sure if that was Andrew or Lyndon’s tenure but it’s been a while. Hopefully Rodriguez will feel better after lighting candles, taking a long bath, and drinking tea. (CBS Sports)