state of the state 02.11.2009

Detroit less miserable than Stockton, CA
Last year Forbes said Detroit was the most miserable place this side of a Darfur refuge camp. This year there are like six cities even more miserable in the United States alone. How did we make such progress in only a year? Well it wasn’t good governance, a rebounding economy, or improvements in quality of life. It was our sports teams. The Red Wings won the Stanley Cup and, according to Forbes, that makes us less miserable. Suck on that Modesto. (DetNews)

Crazy Ken Cockrel to give city contracts to total strangers
If you need a baby-sitter to watch your kids, would you prefer to hire a long-time friend and supporter or a total stranger with a nice resume? The same logic holds for lucrative city contracts. Or it did. Ken Cockrel wants to pass out contracts to total strangers based on their “qualifications.” But what do “qualifications” really tell us? These so-called “qualified” contractors could be secret Muslim Nazis who worship Satan. We don’t know. Why take that chance when Bobby Ferguson roundly rejects the tenants of National Socialism? (Freep)

How does 1% interest compounded daily sound?
Good God, the Detroit Public Schools just get more pathetic by the day. They’re taking out payday loans just to meet payroll. Like from Phil Rizutto and The Money Store or something. Also it’s count day and if DPS knows what good for them they’ll start enrolling dogs and cats. Maybe add homeless warming stations in classrooms and count the vagrants as students. They had better do something because as the DFT president said teachers won’t “work for free.” (Freep, DetNews)

Monica Conyers is a dumptrunk of skank
So the whole world agrees on a plan for Cobo that will expand the facility and pay the city green money which it desperately needs. It is, quite literally, the best piece of governance this town has seen in a long, long time. Naturally, Monica is dead-set against it because there’s no set-asides for local contractors…like her good friend Rayford Jackson. Also a Detroit cop drives her son to school everyday…in the suburbs. Way to support the local schools, hosebeast. Monica is often sleeping in the back seat on these scholastic commutes. Hungover much? (Freep, DetNews)

Guy with Mullet lands on his feet
James Rosendall and his lucious mullet are going to be ok. We can cancel that hair product drive. Rosendall will be able to buy his own leave-in conditioner now. Rosendall will work for some repo company. Here’s the bitch though, his first job might be repoing his own stuff because he owes the bank like $300,000 and hasn’t been paying them. Oh hamburgers! (Freep)

Reinforcing Negative Stereotypes
Nothing quite as reassuring as a crazy neighbor with illegal automatice weapons and a drinking problem. Except for a suicidal crazy neighbor with illegal automatice weapons and a drinking problem. Those guys never take themselves out in the solitude of the basement do they? Fortunately for Royal Oak, this particular drunken gun nut decided to tell the police of his suicidal thoughts. Now the cops have his 50 automatic weapons and his grenades. Who has grenades? (Freep)

local attorney lady starts epic catfight with court bureaucrat

So white lady Kathleen Leavey, the head of the city law department, was at 36th District Court straight legaling when she told a court administrator that the 36th was a ghetto court and shit. So the administrator was like: I KNOW your not bring that up in my face. The conversation continued like this:

Leavey: I just brought it bitch.
Administrator: We done. Just talk to the hand.
Leavey: Whaeva I’m the head of the Law Department I do what I want.
Administrator: Bitch, please. I ain’t even listening.
Leavey: Oh it’s on now. Ho.
Administrator: You want to go bitch cause I’ll go.
Leavey: Then let’s go.
Administrator: You stepping? Don’t step to this if ain’t mean it.

Then Mayor Cockrel made Leavey resign because world class cities don’t have mayoral appointees acting like the rabble in a Jerry Springer audience. Even if the conversation didn’t go exactly as we described, calling something ghetto in a professional setting is, well, it’s low class and uncouth. Actually, it’s kind of ghetto. Say what you may about Ken Cockrel but he has like 15,000% more class than that pigfucker he replaced.

As one might expect the Klavern over at the Freep message board is having a field day with this one. Well, one can only consume so much meth and porn while sitting unemployed in the trailer all day. The Freep message board is like their third hobby. (Freep)

state of the state 12.12.2008

Ken Cockrel’s perjury also an urban legend
Mike Cox has joined the lynch mob in Adolph Mongo’s head. The Attorney General cleared Ken Cockrel of perjury from his campaign finance affidavit thing. Turns out Cockrel isn’t a criminal just misinformed. And the sad thing? After Team Kilpatrick’s grotesque corruption, a misinformed public servant is like a giant breath of fresh air. We. Are. Doomed. (Freep)

DDA approves Ilitch Holdings bailout
The Downtown Development Authority has stepped up to assist a struggling local concern, thus saving dozens of Detroit jobs. The fake-government entity gave local billionaire Mike Ilitch $2,500,000 of state taxpayer’s money to tear down some of his old buildings. I guess he didn’t want them anymore. So even if the auto companies are left to wither maybe things will be ok…for a couple months…if you work on a J.C. Beal demolition crew. (Crains)

Oakland County moms are bitches
Well maybe not every mother in Oakland County. Just one who writes the OAKLAND COUNTY MOMS column in the Oakland Press. Toys R Us sales aren’t giving her “the deal grabbing sensation” that she’s used to. Hey doc, time to up her barbiturate prescription. Also, the Nintendo Wii is hard to find. Really? A popular toy hard to find at Christmas, that’s never happened before. This battle axe needs to quit whining and go suck off the pool boy. (Oakland Press)

Next time the safe word will be: remember-the-key-asshole
Dear Penthouse Forum, I never thought this would happen to me. My husband and I were having our regular Thursday morning sexy time when he discovered that he lost the handcuffs key. What’s a girl to do handcuffed to the bed post in a state of undress? We called the police and the cops arrived to rescue me. It was really hot. Until the police officers started snickering about the whole thing. I was embarrassed and felt ugly and cried. Regards, Dearborn Woman. And that’s why Penthouse Forum never prints the real letters. (Freep)

state of the state 12.03.2008

Felon Kwame Kilpatrick is just stupid
Felon Kilpatrick wants to keep his law license. Why? He’s obviously a shitty lawyer. No competent lawyer would agree to a plea condition (i.e. surrendering one’s law license) and change his mind after admitting guilt in open court. The prosecutorial awesomeness that is Kym Worthy will have none of it. She’s going to court to argue felon Kilpatrick violated his probation by trying to keep his precious law license. So good. (Freep)

Mayoral candidate go to Clinton Township for debate
Clinton Township’s WADL is Detroit’s “ubran” tv station. By urban, WADL doesn’t mean based in a city. They mean they broadcast Good Times re-runs and the sermons of prominent local bigots like Charles Ellis. They also show The Rockford Files which is still awesome. WADL’s suburban “urban” studios was site of last night’s debate between Ken Cockrel, Freman Hendrix, and Dave Bing. The debate went something like this: blah blah blah blah blah blah. The end. (DetNews)

Team Kilpatrick’s house Republican investigate Ken Cockrel
Mike “Urban Legend” Cox is investigating Adolph “Lynch Mobs Everywhere” Mongo’s off-the-law allegations that Ken Cockrel committed perjury. That’s what you get for thinking felon Kwame Kilpatrick should be held to the same standard as everyone else. Cockrel should have known that Kilpatrick was anointed by God above to run Detroit. Just like Louis XVI. When you attack Kilpatrick, you are attacking God. (WDIV)

Now this is journalism
The fine and noble ink-stained scribes at the Grand Rapids Press provide us with this handy article about Michigan’s medical marijuana laws. We especially like the jars of little joints idea. Otherwise no one has the first clue as to how this medical marijuana thing is going to work even though other state’s have had legal medical marijuana for more than a decade. We’re just too stupid in Michigan to let our cancer patients get properly stoned. (MLive)

state of the state 11.27.2008

Batshit Sharon McPhail is at war with Eastasia and at peace with Eurasia
McPhail is always been at war with Eastasia and always at peace with Eurasia except when she’s at war with Eurasia and at peace with Eastasia. Then she’s always at war with Eurasia and always at peace with Eastasia. Got it? And Batshit Sharon is totally not crazy even if she says she never accused Team Kilpatrick of electrocuting her with a chair massager. (Freep)

Ken Cockrel budget disaster continues
When felon Kwame Kilpatrick resigned as mayor because God said the city’s budget was balanced and everything was perfect (also because he pled guilty to perjury). The good times ended last month when Ken Cockrel became mayor and started telling the truth about the budget. It’s so bad they need an extra month to complete their required audit. Ha! Team Kilpatrick didn’t need extra time to do an audit. They just ignored it. (DetNews)

Freman Hendrix has to ride the bus
Ha ha ha! Freman Hendrix lost the mayoral election last time and now he’s poor! Hendrix thinks riding the bus will make him relatable. Apparently Hendrix is unfamiliar with the socio-economic politics of bus riders. They aren’t going to vote for someone who rides the bus with them. People who ride the bus want to vote for someone who can afford to drive a car. It’s been that way for a century. Get with it Freman. (Freep)

They were already dead when I got there, honest
Xavier Chase just wanted to talk when he went over to his ex-girlfriend’s place. Tragically she and her new boyfriend had been brutally murdered when he got there. Hate it when that happens. Then he fled from the cops and they had to subdue him with pepper spray. That doesn’t look good either. But he totally didn’t do it. Honest. (Freep)

Kids it doesn’t look like we are going to have a Christmas this year
Everybody is so poor and so afraid of being even more poor that no one is spending any money on presents this Christmas which mean the people who run the stores are going to be poor too. On the plus side, it shouldn’t be that hard to pick up a Nintendo wii this year. (Crains)

state of the state 11.25.2008

No one in Detroit ever pays their campaign fines
Nick Hood and Ken Cockrel paid their old fines but only after saying they were already paid. Oh hamburgers! The Election Commission will still let them run for mayor. Funny story about that,  Election Commissioners Monica Conyers and City Clerk Janice Winfrey also owe campaign debts. Warren Evans and Freman Hendrix too! Meanwhile Adolph Mongo stopped fighting the lynch mobs in his head to demand that Mike Cox charge Cockrel with perjury. There isn’t enough evidence to make a prima facie case but that hasn’t stopped the GOP wing of Team Kilpatrick Mike Cox from investigating. Four mayoral elections in the next 11 months is the best Christmas present ever! (DetNews)

Team Kilpatrick was like Don Fanucci from the Godfather
If you want to do business in this town, Team Kilpatrick needs a little taste. Just enough to wet their beaks. Or maybe a little more when they need to pay for $700-an-hour lawyers. If the owners of the Rhino didn’t pay up, then Kilpatrick would have sent Webster George Jackson and the Detroit Economic Growth Corporation after them. Well they did pay up, Amru Meah was the bag man, but that didn’t stop the DEGC from evicting the Rhino anyway. (Freep)

So about the $10,000,000,000 bailout for Detroit…
It had better come quick otherwise there is going to be some serious bloodletting at CAYMAC. The city is broke and they actually have a Chief Financial Officer who says so. Considering this is the city where municipal unions sue to block the planting of trees, we can expect a bloody war over the thousands of impending lay-offs. You know what’s really sad about all of this? According to felonious perjurer Kwame Kilpatrick, the city had a balanced budget when he left office. (DetNews)

The reason we can’t have a bailout for the auto companies
Our ever-vigilant Congress called Rick Wagoner, Alan Mulally, and the guy running Chrysler these days good-for-nothing losers who don’t deserve a bailout. Every member of Congress must have owned a K-Car or a Cadillac Cimarron back in 1984 and they haven’t gotten over it. Also they already spent all our money bailing out more worthy firms like AIG. That invaluable American institution used our money to sponsor a soccer team in England. Our former colonial oppressors! Also they pay people to complain to Wonkette. Enjoy the next century of economic misery, bitches. (Wonkette)

Reinforcing Negative Stereotypes
A dull-witted glue sniffer from Kalamazoo named Shawn Mikel Wright put a baby in the clothes dryer to take a funny picture. Ha ha ha! The baby was horribly burned and probably could have been killed! You know what would make a hilarious picutre? If someone put Shawn Mikel Wright’s head in a garbage disposal and turned it on. We’d like a poster sized print of that picture. (MLive)

state of the state 11.21.2008

Cockrel to Council: auditing this mess is HARD!

As the Cockrel Administration digs deeper into the mess that was Team Kipatrick they are further away from finishing the city’s audit than they hoped. So they are asking to the state for an extension. Not that any of it matters because once Detroit gets the $10,000,000,000 bailout from the Feds the city won’t have to audit their books again because they’ll be so rich! (Freep)

Dennis Archer announces plan to maintain his status quo
The guy who was mayor before that pigfucker Kilpatrick gathered all the media together for a super secret big announcement. Dennis Archer is…wait for it…not going to run for Governor. Archer then announced plans to spend the weekend watching football and maybe doing a little yard work. He also said he thinks Lost seems to get better every season. Let’s make these get togethers a regular thing Dennis. (DetNews)

Monica Conyers is a huge stupid bitch
There are certain places you don’t want to go without protection. Iraq, for instance. Orlando during a National League of Cities meetings is another place that can be dangerous without a bodyguard. That’s why Monica Conyers took two EPU officers with her to Orlando last year. Conyers’ office explains the decision by pointing out that Monica is a woman and therefor requires police protection at all times. Women are frail and vulnerable flowers, don’t you know. (DetNews)

Serious mayoral candiate plus Joel Loving go to candidate forum
With so many candidates for mayor it is important to limit participants at these forums to only credible candidates with a realistic chance at winning. So what the hell was Joel Loving doing there? Sharon McPhail is one thing but Loving? With the bar set that low it’s a wonder why Brenda Sanders and Stanley Christmas weren’t invited. (Freep)

Pretentious hotel to attract absurdly wealthy young douchebags to Birmingham
Back in the day, Birmingham was a quiet and dignified enclave for the upper middle class. Its preppy stores and charming restaurants along Old Woodward was a tremendous asset for metro Detroit. Now, thanks to a hotel randomly named “Aloft”, Birmingham will be overrun by that kind of third rate trustifarians with popped collars, fauxhawks, and obnoxious aviator sunglasses left over from Top Gun‘s wardrobe closet. (Crains)

state of the state 10.27.2008

PR professionals to save Detroit with incomprehensible bullshit
The key to saving Detroit, according to attendees of the National Public Relations Convention, is leveraging our positive attributes through teamwork, transparency, and brand awareness. Also everyone needs to wear cardigan sweaters. Cities with high concentrations of cardigan wearers are considered 13% more friendly according to recent focus groups. (DetNews)

Pyscho bomb-making student totally had friends
That kid is Saline who was going to blow up the school with homemade bombs wasn’t a loner. We want to make that absolutely clear. Sure he’s disturbed and all that but he had friends. We think he might have even kissed a girl once. It’s important everyone knows that because, while trying to blow up a school is bad, we don’t want you thinking this kid was some kind of loser. (MLive)

Brave Ken Cockrel to disclose campaign finance information
Campaign finance disclosure became pretty much standard every place in America like 35 years ago. Except for Detroit. Here it’s kind of voluntary for municipal races. It’s super Cockrel opted for disclosure after that campaign fines thing but what we really want is a list of the fucktards funding Martha Reeves. Actually if someone could forward that list to the state mental health agency, that would be helpful. (Freep)

City of Warren offers new on-line shopping feature
Are you tired of driving around all night looking for that special gal? Tired of street light beauties who turn into dome light fuglies? Then head to Warren for your next prostitution experience! The city of Warren is posting glamor mug shots of local working girls on their website. Now you can browse hundreds of Warren sex workers from the comfort of your home computer! Awesome. (DetNews)

The Lions are this irrelevant
The 0-7 Lions have reduced their beat writers to Star Magazine-like fashion correspondents. Clinton Portis looked so smashing in his all red post-game outfit that the Associated Press wrote a story about it. Sports teams should get beat writers worthy of team they cover. Maybe the AP can let Larry Lage cover something else and assign the Lions to Joan and Mellisa Rivers. (AP)

state of the state 10.25.2008

Mike Cox is a cock
Who could forget Mike Cox and his sweaty, stuttering announcement that Kwame Kilpatrick’s stripper party was just an urban legend? He was like a real life Officer Barbrady or a third-rate political hack protecting a fellow McNamara crony. Elected officials killing strippers and covering it up by destroying police officers is a small crime. But when it comes to big crimes Cox is Dirty Harry Callahan. Take absentee voting. He’ll fight that like a streetwise cop who plays by his own rules. (Freep)

Team Kilpatrick like cockroaches, never going away
You people thought is was over when felon Kwame Kilpatrick resigned. FOOLS! You can’t get rid of Team Kilpatrick. They’re everywhere…and now they have civil service status! To get rid of these parasites now you’ll have to catch them sexing up dead children, during work hours, on their desk when they should be helping customers. And lunch time doesn’t count. (Freep)

Tedious Michigan-Michigan State rivalry this weekend
Across the state, Michigan State alumni are getting hassled by Schoolcraft Community College drop-outs because the University of Michigan has a historically superior football team. These people are called Wal-Mart Wolverines and they are a pox upon our state. Thankfully this nonsense only lasts a few days. By tomorrow morning everyone will be united again as disgruntled Lions fans. (Freep)

Ken Cockrel pays his damn fine
Sweet Jesus this was a dump truck full of stupid Ken. Seriously we expect this kind of bullshit from the LaMar Lemmons tribe but we thought better of you. This incident proves what doctors have been saying for years. City Council makes you retarded. Order of the day! (MLive)

Noted sunt Isiah Thomas may or may not have od’ed on sleeping pills
When Terrell Owens attempted suicide a couple years back he denied it by saying something retarded like “I have 54 million reasons not to kill myself”. Ownes was referring to the value of his contract. We can think of 108 reasons why Isiah Thomas might want to off himself with a triple dose of Ambien, Also the Eddie Curry trade. How could you live with yourself after making the Eddie Curry trade? Oh Isiah! (WDIV)

state of the state 10.22.2008

Mayor maybe ineligible to run for Mayor
Ken Cockrel is an illegal alien terrorist communist and therefor unable to run for Mayor. Or he hasn’t paid some campaign fines and that might contradict the affidavit he signed when he filed to run. But it isn’t all just boring clerical stuff. Cockrel late reported some campaign contributions from Cobo crook Karl Kado and local legitimate businessman Tony Soave. (DetNews)

Tamara Greene case to be Team Kilpatrick reunion
They’re putting the band back together. Pretty much everyone who served on Team Kilpatrick is on the witness list. It will be fun to catch up. Anthony Adams is going to bake a cake. Other big names on the list include Bobby Ferguson, “Michael Stephani”(sic), and the plaintiff’s father Ernest Flagg. In addition to fathering a child with Tamara Greene, Flagg ran for City Council in 2005. (Freep)

Macomb County is really, really, really broke
The County Commission had to make some massive budget cuts this week. They pretty much don’t have a public health department anymore. Also they will kill more stray dogs and cats because that’s more humane than raising taxes or cutting public employee benefits. Word is that if things get worse, Macomb County will have to sell some surplus Switalskis and Vivianos to solvent counties elsewhere. (Freep)

Pedophile sting like shooting fish in a barrel
It’s just too bad we can’t put these cockbags in a barrel and shoot them. The police caught 21 of them in a Grand Rapid sting. Based on the mugshots (see link) these are 21 of the most wretched wastes of carbon ever birthed. Don’t these pederasts watch Chris Hanson? Twelve-year-olds aren’t ooking for sex with gross, socially retarded adults on the internets. There are only sheriff’s deputies. Enjoy the jailhouse shower, perverts. (MLive)

Part of Zilwaukee Bridge re-opened for time being
The Zilwaukee Bridge was the brilliant creation of road contractors to ensure they will always have work. It took forever to build and it’s always in dire need or repair but we can’t complain. It’s better to deal with the Zilwaukee Bridge construction than to actually drive through Saginaw. (Freep)