state of the state 01.11.2009

And yet…Mitch Albom is still a putz
Local fabulist Mitch Albom embarrassed Detroit with a painfully melodramatic Sports Illustrated column about how Detroit is poor but and yet we have our pride. Albom uses “and yet” like 57 times. And yet, despite several mangled metaphors (auto industry = daily bread) and plenty of Mitch talking about Mitch, we’re left with a feeling that Detroit is best burned down for the insurance money. And yet, we live here. Imagine what some SI reader in Baltimore must think? (Freep)

sludgeSCAM is back!
Monica Conyers is busy right now in Israel brokering peace and harassing Israeli hotel clerks but her ex-aides are about to sing to the grand jury about Monica’s (alleged) corruption on behalf of Synagro and all of that sweet, sweet sludge. We can only hope this means the return of Guy with Mullet James Rosendall. Maybe he can buy Martha Reeves lunch again. (Freep)

The Man is fighting The Man, man
As Wayne County Sheriff, Warren Evans is The Man. But so is Wayne County Executive Bob Ficano. Ficano wants to cut the Sheriff Department’s…ummm…manpower and Evans isn’t having it. He told his staff to ignore the layoff notices and prepare to fight the power like Chicago 1968. Days of Rage, man. Days of Rage. (DetNews)

City of Warren plans empty gesture
In an effort to boost the domestic auto industry, a bunch of politicians will gather in Warren to make empty speeches. Then a roving gang of high school drop-outs will probably beat up an Asian guy to show Toyota we mean business. Then they’ll bash a couple gays for good measure because…well they drive Saabs. Also ’cause their queer. Recessions always bring out the best. (Freep)

Tacky neuve riche couple build tacky neuve riche house
Bob and Linda Viazanko have never been to Tuscany but they’ve always dreamed of owning a Tuscan-style house so they can bore guests with explanations about how this or that is “very Tuscan.” They built just such a house in a cul-de-sac subdivision of the always European-esque town of Rochester Hills. The place is complete with the kind of ugly murals one expects to find at a Greektown restaurant. (DetNews)

state of the state 10.27.2008

PR professionals to save Detroit with incomprehensible bullshit
The key to saving Detroit, according to attendees of the National Public Relations Convention, is leveraging our positive attributes through teamwork, transparency, and brand awareness. Also everyone needs to wear cardigan sweaters. Cities with high concentrations of cardigan wearers are considered 13% more friendly according to recent focus groups. (DetNews)

Pyscho bomb-making student totally had friends
That kid is Saline who was going to blow up the school with homemade bombs wasn’t a loner. We want to make that absolutely clear. Sure he’s disturbed and all that but he had friends. We think he might have even kissed a girl once. It’s important everyone knows that because, while trying to blow up a school is bad, we don’t want you thinking this kid was some kind of loser. (MLive)

Brave Ken Cockrel to disclose campaign finance information
Campaign finance disclosure became pretty much standard every place in America like 35 years ago. Except for Detroit. Here it’s kind of voluntary for municipal races. It’s super Cockrel opted for disclosure after that campaign fines thing but what we really want is a list of the fucktards funding Martha Reeves. Actually if someone could forward that list to the state mental health agency, that would be helpful. (Freep)

City of Warren offers new on-line shopping feature
Are you tired of driving around all night looking for that special gal? Tired of street light beauties who turn into dome light fuglies? Then head to Warren for your next prostitution experience! The city of Warren is posting glamor mug shots of local working girls on their website. Now you can browse hundreds of Warren sex workers from the comfort of your home computer! Awesome. (DetNews)

The Lions are this irrelevant
The 0-7 Lions have reduced their beat writers to Star Magazine-like fashion correspondents. Clinton Portis looked so smashing in his all red post-game outfit that the Associated Press wrote a story about it. Sports teams should get beat writers worthy of team they cover. Maybe the AP can let Larry Lage cover something else and assign the Lions to Joan and Mellisa Rivers. (AP)

state of the state 10.10.2008

Local group ruins George Jackson’s weekend

George Jackson’s job is to facilitate development in the city of Detroit. In classic Detroit fashion, he does this by announcing projects and then, a few months later, announcing that said projects won’t happen. Nice work if you can get it. Occasionally George has to let something like the Book-Cadillac happen just to satisfy the do-gooders but it’s just window dressing. He had hoped to kill the Tiger Stadium project today but his arch nemesis, The Old Tiger Stadium Conservancy, managed to raise $250,000. Don’t cry Webster. (Freep)

state of the state 10.10.2008

Local group ruins George Jackson’s weekend

George Jackson’s job is to facilitate development in the city of Detroit. In classic Detroit fashion, he does this by announcing projects and then, a few months later, announcing that said projects won’t happen. Nice work if you can get it. Occasionally George has to let something like the Book-Cadillac happen just to satisfy the do-gooders but it’s just window dressing. He had hoped to kill the Tiger Stadium project today but his arch nemesis, The Old Tiger Stadium Conservancy, managed to raise $250,000. Don’t cry Webster. (Freep)

National Guard sent to keep the peace in Warren

Warren Mayor Jim Fouts, who we noted a few months ago kind of looks like a pederast, has appointed an African-American to run the Warren Fire Department. The bitters aren’t going to like that no matter how many ‘Merican cars Fouts makes his appointees purchase. Half of Warren probably thinks their new fire chief is a secret gay Muslin who isn’t like regular people. Warren is so awesome. (DetNews)

Don’t piss off people with guns

Due to some hippie “scientists” whining about some exotic “Chronic Wasting Disease” the state has banned the use of bait for hunting deer. We at detroitist, recognizing that hunters have big guns and angry dispositions, oppose this needless government regulation and hope that hunters who hunt with bait will be afforded every possible courtesy in the future. (MLive)

Breaking news! Coffee available in Detroit!

The Free Press is going to stay with story all night with wall-to-wall coverage if that’s what it takes. They even have a nifty map showing where this magic “coffee” substance is available in Detroit. Just like one of those fancy USA Today papers you see in exotic, far away places like Dayton, OH Sheraton. (Freep)

You can’t eat hockey

Drew Sharp is better than this. If there was one local columnist we expected to not waste ink with the “sports team lift spirits in tough times” meme it was Drew Sharp. Maybe he has the flu. Let’s hope he goes back to writing about the Lions and how William Clay Ford, Sr. is a pathetic drunk and a waste of carbon. That’s the Drew Sharp we know and love. (Freep)

the daily briefing (07.09.08)

Kwame Kilpatrick doesn’t whore around on his wife
The Mayor of Detroit doesn’t have to pay for it, thank you very much. His women give it up for free. detroitist wants to meet women like Kilpatrick’s women. Whores are expensive. At least in the old days we could go to Canada for an inexpensive throw. This damn weak dollar is killing us. (Freep)

Governor Granholm plays it safe
Will Rogers once said he didn’t belong to an organized party because he was a Democrat. He ain’t kidding. If you were the Democratic Party and intended to push a massive overhaul of state government via ballot proposal, wouldn’t you run it by the Democratic Governor? One would think. Well, after a couple weeks of bruising coverage of the Dem’s proposal, Granholm decides bravely to sit on the fence. (Freep)

FBI questions Barbara-Rose Collins, she closes her bathrobe
Oh crazy, slow-witted Barbara-Rose Collins! She shares the odd details of her life like a small town newspaper’s “humor” columnist. The FBI came by for breakfast and Collins regaled Council with the whole amusing incident right down her (hopefully not open) bathrobe. Hard to believe this is the same woman who once pretended to be a member of MENSA. She denied everything of course. Why can’t an honest politician love sludge? Is that too hard to believe? (DetNews)

Warren, Centerline chooses quantity over quality
Eight unremarkable Democrats are running for the same state house seat. One candidate is 23 but has a Masters Degree, another wants to “heal the community,” and a third is tired of the fatheads in Lansing spending our tax dollars on stuff like roads and schools. No one told him he’s a Democrat. (Freep)

The only thing worse than the people who want to criminalize drugs are those who want to legalize drugs
There’s this plant called…wait for it…saliva and it makes you hallucinate. Sweet. The Michigan Legislature wants to ban it. Harsh. The drugs effects are minimal and the usage rate is really small but that hasn’t stopped Lansing from working up a dander over saliva. Compared to the pro-saliva forces, however, the anti-saliva crowd is – what’s the word? – not batshit. According to the pro-saliva crowd: “…salvia has become increasingly popular amongst explorers of nonordinary states of consciousness.” Kids, psychotropics will turn you into sanctimonious douchebags. Just say no. (MetroTimes)

the daily briefing (07.09.08)

Kwame Kilpatrick doesn’t whore around on his wife
The Mayor of Detroit doesn’t have to pay for it, thank you very much. His women give it up for free. detroitist wants to meet women like Kilpatrick’s women. Whores are expensive. At least in the old days we could go to Canada for an inexpensive throw. This damn weak dollar is killing us. (Freep)

Governor Granholm plays it safe
Will Rogers once said he didn’t belong to an organized party because he was a Democrat. He ain’t kidding. If you were the Democratic Party and intended to push a massive overhaul of state government via ballot proposal, wouldn’t you run it by the Democratic Governor? One would think. Well, after a couple weeks of bruising coverage of the Dem’s proposal, Granholm decides bravely to sit on the fence. (Freep)

FBI questions Barbara-Rose Collins, she closes her bathrobe
Oh crazy, slow-witted Barbara-Rose Collins! She shares the odd details of her life like a small town newspaper’s “humor” columnist. The FBI came by for breakfast and Collins regaled Council with the whole amusing incident right down her (hopefully not open) bathrobe. Hard to believe this is the same woman who once pretended to be a member of MENSA. She denied everything of course. Why can’t an honest politician love sludge? Is that too hard to believe? (DetNews)

Warren, Centerline chooses quantity over quality
Eight unremarkable Democrats are running for the same state house seat. One candidate is 23 but has a Masters Degree, another wants to “heal the community,” and a third is tired of the fatheads in Lansing spending our tax dollars on stuff like roads and schools. No one told him he’s a Democrat. (Freep)

The only thing worse than the people who want to criminalize drugs are those who want to legalize drugs
There’s this plant called…wait for it…saliva and it makes you hallucinate. Sweet. The Michigan Legislature wants to ban it. Harsh. The drugs effects are minimal and the usage rate is really small but that hasn’t stopped Lansing from working up a dander over saliva. Compared to the pro-saliva forces, however, the anti-saliva crowd is – what’s the word? – not batshit. According to the pro-saliva crowd: “…salvia has become increasingly popular amongst explorers of nonordinary states of consciousness.” Kids, psychotropics will turn you into sanctimonious douchebags. Just say no. (MetroTimes)