malik shabazz bravely stands up for jewel ware

Nothing says awesome quite like Malik Shabazz. Few people can run an organization identified by the Southern Poverty Law Center as a hate group and get quoted in the newspaper as though they are mainstream activists. Malik Shabazz uses his pulpit to fight against injustice where ever he sees it. For instance, against the prosecution of felon Kwame Kilpatrick. According to Shabazz, Kilpatrick had a right to jury trial and that right was denied to him because…wait for it…Kilpatrick waived it to plead guilty. Oh the injustice!

With Kilpatrick behind bars and purchasing Vaseline for God knows what purpose, Shabazz is all about defending another champion of the people, Wayne County Commissioner Jewel Ware, and her efforts to assist former prisoners re-enter society. You may have heard about the program. It’s been in the news lately. Ware hires ex-cons through her taxpayer-funded office and then puts them to work at her husband’s nightclub.

The program has two participants and, according to a county audit, it’s been a smashing success. The auditor’s report says Kwasi Akwamu and Terrance Dortch are paid by the county but worked exclusively at Ware’s husband’s bar. They even received raises! Yet despite these successes, the Man is coming after poor Jewel Ware. Thank God above that we have dedicated and persistent demagogues like Malik Shabazz to stand up for the real victims…felon Kwame Kilpatrick and Jewel Ware. (Michigan Citizen)

state of the state 12.17.2008

Ye olde newspapere concern in a bad way, something awful

You know something is out-dated or antique when you add extra letters to words and replace “the” with “ye” as the definite article. That’s why old-timey candy stores are always called “Ye Olde Candy Shoppe.” They teach this stuff at Harvard Business School. Detroit’s ye olde newpapere concern is shutting down a couple of its steam-powered newspapering machines to save money. Home delivery will be scaled back. The horses that pull the delivery wagons were sold to the glue factory. Pretty soon we will all get our news from this new-fangled internet-whachamagigs like Hillaryis44. Be afraid. Be very afraid. (Freep)

Maybe this is why ye olde newspapere concern is in a bad way, something awful
The advantage of having two newspapers is that you get two voices, two perspectives, and two different news products. That doesn’t work when both newspapers have the same voice, etc. Take today’s editions. On the front page of Freep.com they offer this story: At times fiery, Granholm makes rounds as auto advocate. And DetNews.com’s the lead story? Granholm fiercely fights for Detroit automakers. Both papers, on the same day, essentially publish the same nearly-evergreen feature under eerily similar headlines? Awesome, we’ll buy two copies of each. (Freep, DetNews)

Winter Blast “rightsized” to winter burst, next year it will be the winter whimper
Detroit is so poor, we can’t afford snow in the winter. The Winter Blast had to cut its budget by 90% and pretty much shed everything cool about the Winter Blast. There will be no sled dogs or ice slide. Pretty much, the Winter Blast has been reduced to walking down Woodward on a cold February night looking for a place to have dinner. Kind of a shame we can’t afford the one decent local event between Christmas and Opening Day but, whatever, look forward to the same seven stale festivals Labor Day weekend. (Freep)

Oakland County Sheriff gets a puppy for Christmas
His name is Yeager and he’s an awesome German Shepherd and all the deputies love to pet him behind the ears and give his milk bone treats and sometimes he chases his tail! They even made Yeager an official deputy so, you know, you have to respect his authority. When you open your Christmas presents and get a lousy sweater instead of a cool German Shepherd, don’t get drunk before driving to the in-laws for over-cooked turkey. If you do, Yeager will totally give you a DUI. (WDIV)

Chiropractor attempts medically recognized procedure, fails
So West Michigan chiropractor Gregory Alan Freeman finished playing xylophone on a lady patient’s back and was like: hey instead of paying cash maybe I could sex you up instead. Since medical science recognizes sex (well consensual un-coerced sex) as a normal and healthy activity, this is as close as a chiropractor has come to performing a medically recognized procedure in his practice. The lady patient declined the sexing. (Mlive)

state of the state 12.16.2008

You won’t have Connie Calloway to kick around anymore
Seven school board members, including unfit parent Reverend David Murray, voted to fire Connie Calloway because…well who cares about the reason. This decision had nothing to do with Connie Calloway. It was all about creating a showdown with the state before the district’s chickens came home to roost. By forcing the state Board of Education’s hand Murray, Jimmy Womack, Marie Thornton, and the rest of the school board’s third-raters get to play martyrs for an uncouth and ignorant rabble. (Freep)

Hoekstra to battle Team Kilpatrick’s man…maybe
Good ol’ Mike Cox. Who will ever forget his quickie investigation clearing felon Kwame Kilpatrick of wrongdoing? Those were some good times back in 2003 and hopefully, for Peter Hoekstra’s sake, everyone will remember Cox’s awkward and sweaty announcement that allegations against  Kilpatrick were just “urban legends.” Hoekstra says he’ll retire from Congress after this term and hinted that he’s running for Governor. Compared to a Mike Cox, a George Perles, or a Don Williamson, even our Trotskite friends welcome Hoekstra’s gubernatorial bid. (DetNews)

Oh hamburgers! Michigan is cold in December
You people had to get rid of those chloral floral carbons from the aerosol cans didn’t you? You had to plant trees and find ways to reduce you carbon footprint. The poor polar bears, you said. Oh lord, if we don’t recycle then the polar bears will die! What will we do without the polar bears? Grow oranges in Muskegon, that’s what. Instead everyone will freeze their nuts off because a few bleeding heart “do-gooders” think we should respect the planet’s fragile balance. Thanks a lot. Hippies. (DetNews)

Metro Detroit still doesn’t understand digital television
The terrorists may bomb our cities and the financial meltdown may devalue our homes but there is just no way we will allow a single American to miss even one minute of NCIS or American Idol. Metro Detroit is ground zero for the digital TV conversion panic as our fellow citizens are among the most ignorant. We can’t plug in a digital converter box without the assistance of 58,396 PSAs and massive government outreach programs.  Seriously people, if you can purchase and operate a toaster, you can do this. (Freep)

AIG run by secret Muslins who eat babies and hate America
Ok, that’s an exaggeration. AIG leaders aren’t evil doers, just common idiots. But AIG does offer these special loans that charge interest without necessarily calling it interest so Muslims can borrow money without violating the tenants of their religion. Since AIG is now little more than an overfed welfare case, some guy in Michigan says AIG’s Islamic friendly loans means the government in endorsing Islam. And that could anger the First Amendment God. (MLive)

this is why we can’t have nice things #6: breathless prose

Detroit News editorial writer Amber Arellano must have thought an op-ed column was the best way to land a book deal with Harlequin Press. Her column about the Big Three bailout debate is so breathless that William Strunk and E.B. White are spinning in their respective graves. Let’s go to the tape: “The social levies (sic) are breaking in my city, my metropolitan region, my home, my heart.” Social levies (actually spelled l-e-v-e-e-s) in your heart? It gets worse from there. There must be a reasonable explanation. Maybe the column took place on a pirate ship…

Then Bob Nardelli pulled Amber close, he tore open her blouse to expose her milky white bosums, and whispered “we need this bridge loan, like I need your comforting embrace.” His long hair billowed in the breeze. Amber could only sigh as she melted into his strong arms. Passionately he kissed her full, pouty lips but only momentarily. Nardelli had to continue fighting Richard Shelby and the other Senate pirates on the starboard bow. “I will be back my love,” he said as he lept, sword aloft, into battle…

Look there are many good and rational reasons to support the Big Three bailout but everyone seems so intent on ignoring those good and rational reasons to make specious comparisons to Hurricane Katrina, natter on about the unfairness of it all, or throwing personal pity parties. THIS ISN’T HELPING! More important, this is why we can’t have nice things. No one spends billions of dollars to save a bunch of overly emotional lunatics with “social levies” in their hearts.

By the way, hat tip to “jmy” at Hot Fudge Detroit for uncovering this gem. His deconstruction of Amber Arellano’s column is a thing of beauty. Definitely worth a read. (DetNews, HotFudgeDetroit)

state of the state 12.15.2008

It’s fire Connie Calloway day!
The Detroit Board of Education, which includes at least one unfit parent, decided that running the state’s largest school district is too hard. Instead, they’d rather set themselves up as faux-political martyrs by firing Connie Calloway and forcing the state to take over the district. Then the school board can say such action disenfranchises Detroit voters. A mob clueless left-wingers will then attempt to thwart any effort to improve the state of education in Detroit. (DetNews)

Jennifer Granholm, Mitt Romney team up for painful television
If there are two politicians who seem more insincere, superficial, and disingenuous than Jennifer Granholm and Mitt Romney, we’ve never met them. Richard Nixon is dead so he doesn’t count. The two appeared jointly on Meet the Press yesterday to discuss the auto bailout. They went blah, blah, blah, blah blah and everyone quickly changed channels.  Face the Nation has never seen ratings that high! (DetNews)

Barack Obama will finally fix the Warren overpass at I-75!
So now that we have this new Great Depression, we are getting a new New Deal complete with infrastructure projects and the like. Fortunately because Michigan has a third-world infrastructure we should get a lot of these federal projects. And that means we might be able to cross I-75 at Warren again! If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time; who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer. YES WE CAN! (Crains)

Ottawa County bids farewell to 19th century
Oh blue laws! Nothing quite says folksy country charm like arbitrary rules against packaged alcohol sales. These futile gestures against the devil’s elixir accomplish little more than annoying consumers. Ottawa County is ending their ban on Sunday alcohol sales. Next week the town council meets to decide if the dancing prohibition should also be relaxed. One thing that won’t change, using the metric system in Ottawa will land you in the stocks for an hour. Now if the state could just ease off that noon on Sunday rule. (MLive)

Lions keep it close and then lose
Dear New Orleans, The Detroit Lions have just two games left. Next week they play your beloved Saints here in Detroit before finishing the season in Green Bay. We know the Lions won’t lose to the Packers at Lambeau Field in December so it’s up to your Saints to ensure the Lions have a perfect season. Don’t screw this up. Next Sunday is the single most important game in the history of the New Orleans Saints organization. Do not screw this up. Regards, detroitist (Freep)

this is why we can’t have nice things #5: you stupid people

TV reporter lady Greta Van Susteren is a Scientologist.  That means she believes the evil alien overlord Xenu transported our ancestors to earth in DC-8 spaceships. Xenu forced our ancestors to watch hours of terrible b-movies (probably starring noted Scientologists Jeff Conway and Lisa Marie Presley) to make humans believe in a history that didn’t exist. That’s what Greta Van Susteren believes. She’s a fucktard.

Her Fox News viewers are equally fucktarded. That’s not our opinion. Oh no, that’s what said viewers revealed in a poll on Van Susteren’s blog. When asked what news story was most important to them, the auto bailout ranks dead last out of seven possible choices. What was more important to Van Susteren’s fans? Natalee Holloway (still dead), Sarah Palin (six weeks after the election), and some missing kid in Florida. Here’s a screen shot of the results.

See this is why we can’t have nice things, fucktarded Americans are too busy fretting about some random murder victim from several years ago because the crazy Scientologist lady on TV can’t let it go. These are also the same fucktarded people who ran up $1,000,000,000,000 in unsecured credit debt and purchased homes they couldn’t afford with mortgages they didn’t understand. What we’re supposed to actually pay for this stuff we bought?

Whether or not the Big Three gets a bailout, the impact will dramatically effect the United States economy for years to come. It’s probably more important than the next little brat that falls down a well. Why worry about the future of the American economy when some pretty blond girl disappeared on vacation four years ago? We totally deserve the economic ass pounding that’s coming our way. (FoxNews)

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state of the state 12.14.2008

Washington runs like an old Ford Pinto

So this auto bailout thing that was supposed to happen or not or whatever, they haven’t decided yet. Jim Bunning is against it. He wiped the drool off of his chin long enough to make that clear. The White House may give the Big Three loans from the bank bailout money. Then again maybe they won’t. The thing of it is this, the holidays are coming up and everyone is kind of on autopilot right now. You know how it is. In any case, expect to see a lot of “what you drive drives America” bumper stickers in local Wal-Mart parking lots. Oh sweet irony! (Freep)

Local newspapermen will eventually all work for Dan Gilbert
Despite the impending collapse of newspapers, Detroit’s ink-stained scribes still have time to promote the cause of local mortgage huckster Dan Gilbert. To hear the Free Press and News tell it, Gilbert’s Quicken Loans never wrote a single suspect mortgage ever. They love to use the meaningless phrase “plain vanilla” to describe Quicken’s loan products. After all Quicken sold their mortgages to Freddie and Fannie so you know they were good loans…right? Oh by the way, Quicken’s big move downtown, if it happens at all, it’ll be kind of small. (DetNews)

Jail makes men do strange things
Once upon a time, felon Kwame Kilpatrick said he didn’t want the gays spending time with his kids because man-man sex is gross or something. Last week, we learned that he bought some Vaseline in the jailhouse commissary. Jail is a desperate and cold place. Probably some nights, every prisoner weighs his own personal value system from the outside against the need for a little jailhouse affection. Felon Kwame Kilpatrick is no different. (WXYZ)

Detroit Free Press Klavern hates the zoo
If you are looking for intelligent, reasoned, and introspective political discourse you should probably avoid Freep.com’s comments section. The double-digit IQ set hangs out there to rant about the blacks and, well, pretty much just the blacks. Also the zoo. You may remember that voters in Wayne, Oakland, and Macomb counties passed a small tax to fund the Zoo by 2/3 majorities. The Free Press Klavern doesn’t like it. Probably because the money is going to animals the came from Africa just like African-Americans. (Freep)

Reinforcing Negative Stereotypes
The common image of a professor is that nerdy kind of guy with thick glasses and poor social skills. Probably not very good with the opposite sex. That must be the case with University of Michigan law professor Yaron Eliav because he was paying a student for sex. Not just with grades either like a normal teacher who uses the classroom as a private brothel. Eliav was paying cash money. And this wasn’t normal intercourse sex either. This was weird spanking fetish sex. No wonder he can’t get a regular date. (MLive)

state of the state 12.12.2008

Ken Cockrel’s perjury also an urban legend
Mike Cox has joined the lynch mob in Adolph Mongo’s head. The Attorney General cleared Ken Cockrel of perjury from his campaign finance affidavit thing. Turns out Cockrel isn’t a criminal just misinformed. And the sad thing? After Team Kilpatrick’s grotesque corruption, a misinformed public servant is like a giant breath of fresh air. We. Are. Doomed. (Freep)

DDA approves Ilitch Holdings bailout
The Downtown Development Authority has stepped up to assist a struggling local concern, thus saving dozens of Detroit jobs. The fake-government entity gave local billionaire Mike Ilitch $2,500,000 of state taxpayer’s money to tear down some of his old buildings. I guess he didn’t want them anymore. So even if the auto companies are left to wither maybe things will be ok…for a couple months…if you work on a J.C. Beal demolition crew. (Crains)

Oakland County moms are bitches
Well maybe not every mother in Oakland County. Just one who writes the OAKLAND COUNTY MOMS column in the Oakland Press. Toys R Us sales aren’t giving her “the deal grabbing sensation” that she’s used to. Hey doc, time to up her barbiturate prescription. Also, the Nintendo Wii is hard to find. Really? A popular toy hard to find at Christmas, that’s never happened before. This battle axe needs to quit whining and go suck off the pool boy. (Oakland Press)

Next time the safe word will be: remember-the-key-asshole
Dear Penthouse Forum, I never thought this would happen to me. My husband and I were having our regular Thursday morning sexy time when he discovered that he lost the handcuffs key. What’s a girl to do handcuffed to the bed post in a state of undress? We called the police and the cops arrived to rescue me. It was really hot. Until the police officers started snickering about the whole thing. I was embarrassed and felt ugly and cried. Regards, Dearborn Woman. And that’s why Penthouse Forum never prints the real letters. (Freep)