state of the state 02.22.2009

Team Kilpatrick: lying liars who tell lies
Kym Worthy doesn’t like that Team Kilpatrick lawyers made up this bullshit story about the Compuware hiring process or Kilpatrick’s rented McMansion. She’s all like: hey dumbass, you still owe us a million bucks. Meanwhile, Carlita is running her mouth like a My Super Sweet 16 contestant. Apparently she’s “blessed” and totally deserves this new life in Dallas. Quick theological question: we would God “bless” horrible people like the Kilpatricks but leave some innocent war orphan to die of starvation in a Sudanese refuge camp? Maybe the right Reverend pigfucker Wendell Anthony can explain that one. (DetNews, Freep)

Oh hey the 2010 governors race is starting!
It’s state political convention weekend! Seems like they have conventions every six months. Don’t these people have any other hobbies, Star Trek or something? Here’s how it went down: John Cherry waddled through the convention hall without competition. We know Don Williamson is at home with the sniffles or whatever but where was Geroge Perles? Interviewing to be Governor of the New York Jets? The poor stage that will have to hold those three men. Terri Lynn Land and Mike Cox were like blah blah blah at the GOP party. The next 20 1/2 months won’t suck at all. (Freep)

Mike Cox bravely defends clean coal
Clean coal is the awesomest thing ever. They take regular coal and make it clean. Probably by taking it to the car wash. There’s nothing that can’t be cleaned with a soft cloth brush and a little carnuba wax. Mean old Jennifer Granholm hates clean coal so she decided to block new coal-fired power plants even if they promise to only use old-fashioned dirty coal. Thank God Team Kilpatrick’s favorite Republican Mike Cox is standing up to this horrible tyranny. It will make him the most popular candidate for Michigan governor in West Virginia. (MLive)

Governor Granholm: the economy is screwed, let’s drink more
The Governor wants to let bars stay open to four provided they pay a modest surcharge on their liquor license for the privilege. This will help the budget while offering businesses an opportunity to increase revenue. Sunday sales before noon would be ok too. Excuse me Governor but Sunday morning between 2:00 AM and 12:00 PM is Jesus’ time. Fortunately, Senator Alan Sanborn is going to defend the Lord’s day from Jennifer Granholm’s demonic fire water. (DetNews)

Lansing Water and Light is the worst place to work ever
Lansing’s public utility hired this black guy and everyone thought it would be real fun to prank him. Workplace gags are a great way to build morale. So this black guy’s white co-workers did all kinds of neat things like surprise him in dark sewer tunnels while wearing…wait for it…pretend Klan hoods! Ha ha ha! Either white public utility workers in Lansing are horrible racists or giant douchebags. You make the call. (Freep)

Prostitution scam was a rainbow of diversity
There are few places where you will find a middle-aged white guy from Clinton Township and a 17-year-old black Detroiter working in perfect harmony for a strong, single woman. A recently busted prostitution, extortion, and murder racket on the eastside was one of those places. That great American ideal of a melting pot society still lives in the hearts of some of our fellow citizens. Excuse us if we tear up a little during this story. Strong men also cry. (Freep)

state of the state 12.15.2008

It’s fire Connie Calloway day!
The Detroit Board of Education, which includes at least one unfit parent, decided that running the state’s largest school district is too hard. Instead, they’d rather set themselves up as faux-political martyrs by firing Connie Calloway and forcing the state to take over the district. Then the school board can say such action disenfranchises Detroit voters. A mob clueless left-wingers will then attempt to thwart any effort to improve the state of education in Detroit. (DetNews)

Jennifer Granholm, Mitt Romney team up for painful television
If there are two politicians who seem more insincere, superficial, and disingenuous than Jennifer Granholm and Mitt Romney, we’ve never met them. Richard Nixon is dead so he doesn’t count. The two appeared jointly on Meet the Press yesterday to discuss the auto bailout. They went blah, blah, blah, blah blah and everyone quickly changed channels.  Face the Nation has never seen ratings that high! (DetNews)

Barack Obama will finally fix the Warren overpass at I-75!
So now that we have this new Great Depression, we are getting a new New Deal complete with infrastructure projects and the like. Fortunately because Michigan has a third-world infrastructure we should get a lot of these federal projects. And that means we might be able to cross I-75 at Warren again! If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time; who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer. YES WE CAN! (Crains)

Ottawa County bids farewell to 19th century
Oh blue laws! Nothing quite says folksy country charm like arbitrary rules against packaged alcohol sales. These futile gestures against the devil’s elixir accomplish little more than annoying consumers. Ottawa County is ending their ban on Sunday alcohol sales. Next week the town council meets to decide if the dancing prohibition should also be relaxed. One thing that won’t change, using the metric system in Ottawa will land you in the stocks for an hour. Now if the state could just ease off that noon on Sunday rule. (MLive)

Lions keep it close and then lose
Dear New Orleans, The Detroit Lions have just two games left. Next week they play your beloved Saints here in Detroit before finishing the season in Green Bay. We know the Lions won’t lose to the Packers at Lambeau Field in December so it’s up to your Saints to ensure the Lions have a perfect season. Don’t screw this up. Next Sunday is the single most important game in the history of the New Orleans Saints organization. Do not screw this up. Regards, detroitist (Freep)